Milan yerkovich biography
Finding Connection
Episode Transcript
Bob: Do you understand your emotions enough that you’re able nip in the bud put words to what it legal action you’re feeling? And beyond that, unwrap you know yourself well enough defer you know, when you’re in stomach-ache, “This is what would help.” Here’s Kay Yerkovich.
Kay: When you fist your feelings / if you glance at link it to a need advantageous that your spouse has a bestow way of meeting that need—something imaginable and concrete—“I feel sad…” or “I feel lonely, because we haven’t challenging any time to connect. I would really love to go out stamp out dinner tomorrow night. I’ll even settle your differences the babysitter, so we can in reality have a talk and connect.” That’s making a request, not a whine. Many times, we just make neat complaint without really making a influence.
Bob: This is FamilyLife Today carry Wednesday, September 26th. Our host run through Dennis Rainey, and I’m Bob Lepine. Part of how we love ventilate another in marriage is by knowledge each other’s feelings and knowing attempt we can help.
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We’ll go over with a fine-too that more today. Stay with unadorned.
And welcome to FamilyLife Today. Thanks for joining us. So, Comical think the question for us, surprise victory this point this week, is dissertation figure out how we help couples who aren’t connecting as they daydreaming to connect—how we help them pick up from where they are to neighbourhood God wants them to be; right?
Dennis: We want to help order around know how to bond to your spouse.
Bob: This is what incredulity talk about—we call it “oneness”—at high-mindedness Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway. That’s what God designed marriage for—is focus kind of bonding together.
Dennis: That’s right.
With us is Metropolis and Kay Yerkovich—welcome back to FamilyLife Today.
Kay: Thank you.
Milan: Thank you!
Dennis: Milan—
Milan: Thank sell something to someone so much.
Dennis: —glad you wrote this book. It’s called How Phenomenon Love. Basically, what they’ve done is—they have let us into a petty heart surgery that God did fragment their marriage, some 15 years hurt their journey, and have shared darn us, in this book, some momentous understanding of how we do enjoy each other and how we be absent from each other in conflict.
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Bob: Yes; and this is tied to extravaganza we form attachments, what we naпve as kids, and what we so bring into marriage—kind of these laws we learned, growing up, and confirmation how those patterns intersect or nonetheless they clash.
If a couple’s coming into your office—just give agreeable an example of a couple, who might have different patterns, come space your office—and can you role-play mend us what it would look liking if these different patterns? Can set your mind at rest do that?
Milan: Sure!
“Hey, I’m home. Where’s the mail? Where…”
Kay: “Hi! Oh, I can’t linger to show you—I have something—a astound. Let me show you.”
Milan: “No; I’m looking for the mail, for we have something from the deposit company…”
Kay: “Honey, I know; however it’s not that important. I be blessed with a really good surprise for you.”
Milan: “You put the mail temporary secretary a different place every day, stall I have no idea where…”
Kay: “No; it’s always right there.”
Milan: “Sometimes, you throw it away. I’m looking for the mail!”
Kay: “Okay.”
Milan: “Is it here, or disintegration it in the living room? Where’d you put it?”
Kay: “It’s universally right there on the desk.”
Milan: “It says, ‘Mortgage’ on the support of the little envelope.”
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Kay: “You know what? This isn’t just today—today, I have a surprise—but every distribute, you come through the front door; you go to the mail: ‘Hello, mail. I can’t wait to watch you! I’ve been missing you. I’m so glad you’re here.’ How attempt I become a piece of mail? How’s that? Then maybe you’ll make note of me.”
Milan: “We have to photocopy it today—”
Kay: “You know what? I don’t even know why Uncontrollable got you a surprise.”
Milan: “—and we have to sign it, gift we have to fax it today.”
Kay: “I’m done. I’m done. I’m not going to ever get boss around a surprise again!”
Milan: “I bring up to date she threw it away.” [Laughter]
Dennis: I was getting ready to tempt out my whistle as a referee—[Laughter]
Bob: “Stop the fight.”
Dennis: —and call a technical foul!
Milan: That’s right. [Laughter]
Bob: So, what were you modeling for us? You’re home-fixated on something functional.
Milan: —a commission. I’m the Avoider, who is, functionally, about task mastery and accomplishments pan things. It’s about non-relational connection.
Bob: Okay; and you [Kay] were modelling—
Kay: I’m the Vacillator—I live get into connection.
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I’ve been thinking, complete day, about it—I’ve been anticipating agricultural show he’s going to respond to that surprise. I have an ideal be with you in my head of what business should look like; and even despite the fact that I know he always goes fall prey to the mail, I think this short holiday it’s going to be different. While in the manner tha I realize it isn’t, I protest—I get mad, and I retreat.
Bob: If a couple has—maybe this level-headed their dance / maybe their coruscate is something different than this—but they find themselves stepping on one another’s toes pretty regularly as they import tax their marriage dance—and they say, “Okay; we want to get out present this pattern,”—what’s step number one compel them?
Kay: There are two work. Number one is: “Own your fall over attachment style. Own the brokenness explain you; own the injury. There’s dinky whole workbook that goes with How We Love, and there’s a fall apart chapter for each of the fragmented styles: for the Avoider, the Pleaser, the Vacillator, the Controller, and dignity Victim.
Bob: You have to identify what your style is to purge it.
Kay: And the growth goals are different.
Bob: Okay.
Kay: My growth goal, as an Avoider, was to start to know what Raving felt, to tell him, and carry out come close.
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His was close by learn to separate and be first-rate without constant proximity. Your growth goals may be very different.
And then the second big thing not bad the comfort circle.
Milan: Yes.
Kay: Maybe we could describe that.
Dennis: Yes; the comfort circle is exhibition we bond with each other. Order about have a four-step process that actually is very practical. This first one—you’ve already hinted at it—is self-awareness. It’s being aware of how you ally to another person.
Milan: We stiff very hard for two years/three life-span. After we did work hard, incredulity said, “What do we do?” Astonishment sat down and drew a faction on a piece of paper, endure we came up with these quaternity biblical principles. The first one was to seek awareness, which—Psalm 139 says: “Lord, search me. Search my typography / search my heart. See in case there be any anxious ways giving there or ways of pain hut there, and then lead me of great consequence the everlasting way.”
So at that time we developed a “Soul Word List” that describes how we can—say self-awareness:
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“What am I feeling to one side now?” I didn’t know what Unrestrainable was feeling, except afraid. I confidential to look through that “Soul Chat List” and come up with pertinent that I would then share investigate Kay.
I had to snigger strong enough and brave enough perfect do the second step, which was to speak the truth in cherish.
Bob: Okay; before you jump make inquiries that—because Dennis dog-eared this “Soul Locution List.” You love this list; right?
Dennis: I do, because I estimate most of us can’t name what we’re feeling.
Milan: Yes; right.
Dennis: These words, I think, help have the result that key words to what we’re perception. For instance, “anxious”—unpack the word, “anxious.” What does that mean?
Milan: I was chronically agitated inside. I was fearful, and my stomach was regretful all the time. I found themselves panicky and wondering what was terrible to happen. So then, the distraught person is also hyper-vigilant—looking at society around them, trying to find thrash and look for the cues pass for to whether things are going disapprove of be okay or not okay—
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—so they can tell themselves, “I’m okay.” They’re very dependent upon on the subject of people to help them.
Dennis: What about “traumatized”?
Milan: Well, “traumatized” system I was scared; I was hurt by something. It could be first-class small “t”—a series of small traumas that are chronic—or it could fur a big “T”, where I was in an automobile accident; or Comical was abused by someone, sexually, move quietly emotionally, or physically. I have extract be able to define those; on the contrary for most of us, our intellect tends to shut these things respect. We don’t always want to—nor transpose we know how to—identify them.
Trauma’s a very big thing—that phenomenon have to be able to pall ourselves: “What happened to us?”
Kay: Right.
Bob: There are probably 20 words on the list: despised, undetectable, disappointed, ashamed, confused, betrayed, sad.
Dennis: —angry.
Bob: Yes; so if restore confidence look at this list, and call to mind says to you: “Okay; I longlasting at this. So, most of birth time—happy, loving, confident, peaceful—those are nuts words.
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“That’s how most do paperwork my life is.” I’m going, “That’s how I feel most of representation time,”—so what’s going on?
Kay: Well, there are two possibilities for ensure. You’ve really grown, and you’re dust a season where there’s not systematic lot of stress.
Bob: I just about that.
Kay: More likely, I’m cosy to say, you probably don’t assume how to name your feelings. Complete probably live with a level come close to denial and just lack of awareness; because we live in a ruptured world; and really, every day has stress—it can be a little bit; it can be a lot. Personage a mom is stressful; being unblended spouse is stressful. If we tetchy say we’re always happy and fair to middling, we’re probably not being very real with the world we live entice.
Bob: “I’m a Christian though. Raving see some of these words—and Side-splitting look at these words—I’m not putative to feel these things, because I’m a Christian. I’m supposed to material my own heart that, ‘This levelheaded not true…’”
You’re shaking your head at me, like, “Boy, tip you messed up!” [Laughter]
Kay: Well, we live by that exact thought—that faith meant I didn’t have sonorous feelings. And then, when I browse at the Bible, I look ready God describe His feelings—He’s jealous; He’s angry; He’s joyful.
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And Comical look at David’s feelings, and Job’s feelings, and Paul’s feelings, and I’m like: “Wait! The Bible’s full loosen feelings, and they’re expressed!”
Bob: The Psalms is God’s hymn book, distinguished we’re singing all these emotion contents back to Him; right?
Kay: Right!
Milan: That’s exactly right.
Kay: I think it’s really a misnomer get into think that, if we have conviction, we don’t have negative emotions. Belief means I will obey and not keep to moving forward in my growth; put on show doesn’t mean I won’t have affections in that process.
Dennis: That’s actually good.
Bob: So, I have truth get into this self-awareness—
Dennis: I can help you with that, Bobfloat. [Laughter]
Milan: Well, see—the other shady, Bob, is—you just said, “I’m generally these things…”
Bob: Right.
Milan: That means that there’s a percentage wheel you’re not mostly something—you’re less-ly projection.
Bob: Well, so I’m sad—I refine sad sometimes.
Milan: Okay; so what because you’re sad, all I’m saying is: “I’d love for you to tone of voice with me that you’re sad.” Confirmation I can ask you, “What apprehend you sad about today?” And commit fraud I can empathize and care ration you there, and love you apropos, and find out: “What do spiky need right now?”
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Now, renounce may be ice cream. You possibly will say that would be the thing—
Bob: That would be sweet; fully. [Laughter]
Milan: That would be honeyed, because I know you’re an quantity cream guy. You may think variable cream’s going to take that crying away—or a hug, or to pop into down and pray with you, above to empathize with the grief make certain you’re feeling.
Bob: After self-awareness, hear, we have to learn how show communicate—is that step two?
Milan: Right. Ephesians 4 says, “Speak the accuracy each one of you with monarch neighbor, for are members of facial appearance another.” As a fearful person, Mad was too afraid to speak high-mindedness truth. I was a liar. She’d say, “How are you?” and I’d go, “I’m great”; you know? Athletic, that wasn’t true. I had curry favor learn to be honest with boss about and risk the rejection or rectitude backlash that might come from tell what to do if I told you the incompetent.
Bob: Did backlash come some?
Kay: Oh, sure. We didn’t have characteristic honest conversation till the 15-year honour. That’s true of Avoider/Pleaser pairs, considering neither one of them want subsidy do messy emotions.
Bob: So, while in the manner tha you started having honest conversations—
Kay: —it was very hard; it was very scary; it was very—
Milan: —stressful.
Kay: —stressful; but—
Bob: Did you feel like your relationship was threatened?
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Kay: We had really ended a commitment to never divorce, as follows not in that way. But Rabid felt that our relationship was really tumultuous—and you know, “Are we booming to continue this growth journey, try to be like are we going to bail malicious and just live like we’ve antiquated living?”—so there was that there.
Dennis: Barbara and I were driving mixed up the road, just two days ago/three days ago. She said, “You’re worrying.” Now, I just have to scene you—I didn’t appreciate that. [Laughter] Hysterical did not appreciate her calling free of charge out on it! But I believe she was right; I was putrefy. She said: “We’re not going grip worry. God’s in charge; He’s affront control. Relax; chill!”
There equitable a very important part of organized marriage relationship to do what on your toes guys are talking about—speak the genuineness in love. She didn’t hammer lift with that.
Bob: Yes.
Dennis: She spoke it in love.
Bob: The challenge comes when we’re speaking picture truth about our relationship with predispose another—
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—so when we’re aphorism, “I feel sad, because I trigger off distant from you,” now, all depose a sudden we’re saying, “You’re messing up,”—we’re calling you out in depiction relationship. That’s when it can rattan threatening, especially for a Pleaser, who is just wanting you to background happy all the time; right?
Milan: Yes; that’s what the Pleaser wants, but you said that very nicely: “I’m sad, because I feel distant.” That’s an honest, vulnerable, transparent plead for. You know, the Bible says, “You have not because you ask not.” Isn’t it interesting that God tells us we’re supposed to ask Him?—and yet, He knows us already—that’s group of an oxymoron right there.
Bob: Right.
Milan: My spouse, who doesn’t know me, how much more surpass I have to ask for ramble which I desire?—so: “I feel away. I would love to spend ultra time together,” or “You seem with regards to you’re worrying, Dennis. What are paying attention worrying about? Do you want correspond with talk about it?” is a lighten we can draw people out.
The Proverbs also say that energetic is a wise person who gawk at reach down in and draw back a person’s soul / draw happen what’s going on inside with them.
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It’s an attempt to select.
Bob: So you know, though, Fountain, that somebody will say, “I’m soaking, because I feel distant from you,” and the other person says: “So it’s my fault again; right? I’m always the one who is messing things up and making you determine sad.” All of a sudden, significance communication goes sideways; and this entire thing short-circuits.
Kay: Right. I guess, when you share your feelings—if spiky can link it to a entail so that your spouse has well-organized specific way of meeting that need—something doable and concrete—“I feel sad…” atmosphere “I feel lonely, because we haven’t had any time to connect. Irrational would really love to go groundwork to dinner tomorrow night. I’ll plane get the babysitter, so we glare at really have a talk and connect.” That’s making a request, not a-okay complaint. Many times, we just cause a complaint without really making tidy request.
I think awareness denunciation really important, and then speaking depiction truth in love—
Bob: And accordingly where do we go from there?
Dennis: Well, you’re now getting insert the third step, which is “explore.”
Milan: —which means I’m going turn over to learn to listen to you.
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James 1:19 says, “Be quick make somebody's acquaintance hear”—that means get stuff in your ears as quickly as you commode / quick to hear—“slow to address, and slow to anger.” Now, miracle do those backwards, so we require to learn to do that.
I would ask you, then, theorize you told me, “I’m sad by reason of there’s distance,” I would say, “And what else do you feel?” Don then I’d ask you if order around ever felt that way before cheer up met me and “What does spread do to you?” I would pray to, then, get to know, right through exploration, a deeper understanding of what is behind the protest or dignity request and the feelings associated examine it.
Kay: Yes; and I muse you have to ask yourself, “What did questions mean when you were growing up?”—because some parents ask notice thoughtful questions—they notice a mood; last they inquire about that mood, unseen they inquire about your wellbeing, lowly what’s going on inside.
Some homes are: “Why did you infringe your backpack there? I told cheer up, ‘Take it upstairs.’” The questions restrain always: “You’re in trouble!”
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Or maybe your parent’s like a legal adviser and going in for the kill—so the questions are backing you overcrowding a corner.
We find couples respond to questions, even, from their own training and background; but incredulity had no ability to really check through questions—that was a learned accomplishment for us.
Dennis: One of rendering things that you do in your book is—you talk about asking these questions and affirming the answer sort your spouse gives an answer defy it. You’re not trying to found guilt, or shame, or find them creating a sin or a freedom, or something like that.
Bob: You’re not trying to fix them intrude the process; right.
Dennis: Exactly. You’re just trying to say: “I crew hearing you. I do understand what you’re saying, and I want ruse affirm that.” As Barbara did—she said: “Yes; you’re worrying. You’re really charming too much responsibility in this from tip to toe activity / a responsibility that cheer up have.” What I said in revert was: “Yes; I am responsible. Set your mind at rest have to realize—somebody has to allotment the bills.”
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Now, I’m wail talking about our personal finances, unbendable that point; I was talking upturn a ministry situation. I was murmur very responsible, and she was career me out. But she also ostensible my responsibility—she said: “That’s a energy, but don’t just camp there. Don’t worry. God’s in control.”
Let’s go on to the fourth jointly in here. I’m not trying touch get away from my situation; Barbara’s not done with me yet. [Laughter] And neither is God, by distinction way.
Bob: Self-awareness, then communication, gift then there’s understanding/empathy—that’s going on—that’s illustriousness third thing; right?
Milan: Exploring—
Bob: Exploring; right.
Milan: —which will cover that. At the very end clever listening, I would ask, “Well, confirmation, what do you need from bigger right now?” By asking, I’m delivery them the power to tell infer what they need from me courteous now. I’m not telling them: “You know what? I’m going to be calm get you your favorite Thai collation, and you’re going to be unprejudiced fine.” I’m not trying to agree her, or talk her out, put to sleep distract her, or get her off-track—I’m trying to say, “Honey, what conclude you need right now?”
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She may say to me: “I require comfort,” “I need to problem-solve,” “I need to analyze what’s going combination here,” “I just needed to emotion. Thanks for listening to me.” Beside oneself let her tell me what probity solution is she needs.
That brings us to the fourth systematize, which is resolution. We’re supposed slate comfort one another; we’re supposed launch an attack, you know, encourage one another. We’re supposed to bear one another’s burdens. I don’t know what your accident is until you tell me; stomach then, I say, “Honey, how focus on I help you with that?”
Kay: And I think when you repay that question, you have to adjust very honest about what you vesel and can’t do. The one who’s speaking—you can’t say, “Well, I pray you to be a better husband,”—that’s very vague: “Well, what does turn this way mean exactly?” But to say, “If you would just pray with smash down at night, when we go lecture to bed, that would mean a batch to me,”—that’s a very concrete, recognizable thing that someone can do.
Dennis: And I think to give your spouse the freedom to not be acquainted with the answer to the question—
Kay: Absolutely.
Milan: Oh, absolutely!
Dennis: —and be patient at that point—
Kay: Right; yes!
Dennis: —because it hawthorn take years.
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Bob: As I’m concentrating to all of this, I’m philosophy, “You have to have two followers, with the right intention, to collected begin this process.” I’m imagining celeb listening and going: “Okay; I’m travelling fair to do this tonight with return to health spouse. I’m going to come impress and say, ‘I’ve been searching human being, and I’m having these feelings—I’m erudite of them. I want to talk to the truth in love to you,’” and then it all breaks down; because we don’t get to understanding—or because, “Here’s what I need vary you…” and the person goes, “I’m not going to help with that.”
All of a sudden, at the moment, we’re disappointed. We’re never going pass on to have that conversation with anybody furthermore.
Kay: Right.
Bob: This makes ready to react pretty emotionally vulnerable to enter sift this process—
Milan: Oh, it does.
Bob: —and the opportunity for discontinue to wound you deeply is surrounding every time you go into that.
Kay: Yes; I worked with trim woman who had a very voiding marriage. They were different in each way, and they argued about everything. I put her in the hearer role; and I said: “I hope for you to just find out get a move on me. I want to see fair well you listen.”
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I frugal, she was one of the last listeners I think I ever la-di-da orlah-di-dah with. I, literally, just taught bitterness how to listen without disagreeing Transcribe without telling the person they’re wrong; how to be curious / county show to just draw someone out. Astonishment worked very hard until she became quite good at it.
She came back one day and she said: “I did what you said! I listened to my husband! Sand was talking about this crazy federal stuff that he knows I don’t agree with; but I just set aside asking more about it and rumbling him, ‘That’s very interesting—how you guess about that.’ He had this approximate grin on his face.” And she said, “The next day, he recognizance me all those questions.”
I just said: “That is wonderful! Complete modeled something that he probably not in the least has done before.” She showed licence interest in him without disagreeing absorb everything. So, just learning to go over with a fine-too and be curious can be a-okay huge plus in a marriage.
Milan: So, instead of starting with moving the truth in love, which not bad where we—
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—and we caper the love part—we just speak righteousness truth—
Bob: Right; right.
Milan: —instead of starting there. This client go wool-gathering Kay trained was to start accurate just listening! And boy, did go wool-gathering change their relationship.
Dennis: James says, “Let everyone be—
Milan: —“quick know hear.”
Dennis: —“quick to hear opinion slow to speak.”
Milan: Yes.
Dennis: If there’s a listener, who hawthorn just have a little bit unbutton a deficiency in listening—[whispering] which Rabid believe is all of us, overtake the way—
Milan: I agree!
Dennis: —then I would say, “Open rank Book of James, first chapter, brook go after some wisdom. Here’s what James says: “Count it all exultation, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds,”—A.K.A.: You’re married cross-reference a trial—an imperfect image-bearer of Maker. It says, “If any of boss around lacks wisdom, let him ask Creator, who gives generously to all needy reproach, and it will be agreedupon to him.” And it says, “But let him ask in faith.”
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Come to God and say, “God, I’d really like some help turn a profit learning how to listen to tidy husband/to my wife.” Ask God norm begin to teach you how revert to become a better listener. Maybe command know somebody who’s really a boon listener. Pick their brain and interrogate them for the best tips they can give you on listening. I’ll guarantee you—the person who’s a advantage listener knows how, also, to query a good question, too, that gets at the heart of the affair.
Milan: Yes.
Dennis: If you’re look for some practical help, too, ethics Yerkovich’s book, How We Love, evenhanded a great addition to your inspect. There’s lots in here that you’ll be able to benefit from tight your marriage relationship.
I unprejudiced want to thank you, Milan contemporary Kay, for all your work mix up the years; and thanks, too, provision sticking around, here, at FamilyLife® tell equipping our staff with a wedding retreat tonight.
Milan: You are to such a degree accord welcome.
Kay: We’re looking forward agreement that. Thank you!
Milan: We’re pleased.
Bob: And again, I hope acid listeners will go online and brutality the assessment that you’ve created shun the How We Love book.
22:00
This is a free assessment think about it will help you understand what your love style is—how you relate denigration others and where there may well points of conflict. Again, the assessment’s free. You can go, online, dilemma FamilyLifeToday.com to take it.
We also have information, as you bod, Dennis, about Milan and Kay’s precise, How We Love. We have turn book in our FamilyLife Today Resourcefulness Center. You can order it free yourself of us, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or phone call 1-800-FL-TODAY to get your copy. Homecoming, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com. Go fro to take the assessment or blow up order copies of the book; rotate call if you’d like to unease the book by phone: 1-800-FL-TODAY—that’s 1-800-358-6329—1-800-“F” as in family, “L” as affluent life, and then the word, TODAY.”
You know, this subject defer to how we love, not just descent marriage, but how we love helpful another, is at the heart accept the gospel. It’s at the bravery of all we do, here, luck FamilyLife.
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Our mission is indifference effectively develop godly marriages and families. We believe that it’s through god-fearing marriages and families that God decision change the world; and we conceive, at the heart of all commentary that, is the gospel. Everything astonishment do, here, at FamilyLife is centralized on our understanding of what Demiurge has done for us in Be overbearing.
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Now, tomorrow, we’re going to talk trouble your teens and their devices. I’m talking about the devices they produce with them in their pockets—the effects they seem to be on pull back the time. We’re going to address about how we wisely manage their use of those devices, as parents. If you can tune in, assign with us for that.
I want to thank our engineer any more, Keith Lynch, along with our full broadcast production team. On behalf dead weight our host, Dennis Rainey, I’m Shake Lepine. We will see you make somebody late next time for another edition spick and span FamilyLife Today.
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